Conflict is a normal everyday part of our life experience – whether it is in the workplace or home.

It is not the conflict itself that is the problem but how we manage it and problem-solve the issues raised that will impact - not only our mental health but also that of our employees, colleagues and family members.

So, whether it’s your husband or partner, or your clients, colleagues or employees – learning how to manage conflict can save you time, money and stress.

Ever since Fisher & Ury’s seminal text ‘Getting to Yes’ was published in the early 1980’s there has been a wealth of research on resolving conflict. Most mediators, especially where mediations involve parties who will have an ongoing relationship (think a family separation or dispute within the workplace) are focused on working with parties to problem-solve solutions with a ‘win-win’ outcome. The most successful mediations are those where the parties walk away with an equal level of happiness (or unhappiness, as the case may be) with the outcome. The defining feature of a successful mediation isn’t the complexity of the problem but the attitude of the parties when they walk into the room. The same goes for any conflict resolution process - whether that be a formal negotiation, dealing with an employee’s concerns, dealing with a fractious child or even at home, deciding whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher. 

To get your head in the right space, try focusing on the following:

1. Emotions need to be acknowledged and managed appropriately.

Be conscious of what emotions are being felt - not only for the other party but also for yourself. Understand that an emotional reaction may be in response to the problem, not the potential solution. Allow both parties to express how they feel but don’t let this overwhelm the problem-solving process. Take a break to allow a party time and space to calm down and resume negotiations later, whether this be 5 mins or even three weeks. Patience is an important part of any successful negotiation.

2. Take time to understand the other party’s motivation and goals.

Ask lots of questions to get an understanding of what is going on for that person. This will help you problem-solve an appropriate solution that addresses their interests. Take a critical look at your own motivations and feelings. Be as objective as possible when looking at your own part in what has led to the conflict. Learn to differentiate between the position you (and the other party) are taking and the personal interest that underlies this. For example: when a separating mother fights for the house, this is a position, but when she explains that she wants the house to provide stability and securing for the children, this is an interest. There may be another way of meeting her interest that doesn’t involve the house.

3. Try to be open to the other party’s perspective on the issue.

You don’t have to agree with it, but it is important that the other party feels that you have heard and understood them.

4. Come to the process in good faith.

Focus on communicating respectfully and stay away from making threats and hurtful accusations.

5. Try not to approach the conflict resolution process with a fixed idea of what the solution will be.

Certainly, you need to understand what you need to achieve out of the process but be open to listening to what the other party’s interests are. Try and work together to generate creative solutions to the problem that meet both party’s needs. Agreements are always more ‘stickable’ when both parties have helped generate the solution and don’t walk away feeling that they are the ‘loser’.

Elisa Turco is a mother of four children and an accredited family law mediator and family lawyer who specialises in alternative dispute resolution. You can connect with her on LinkedIn.